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When are endings ever right or easy? When you have to say goodbye to someone who has been close to you, you're really are saying goodbye to part of your dreams, part of your life, part of your very self.
Perhaps you are struggling to cope with a relationship ended by death or divorce. Maybe you are experiencing the break-up of a friendship or an engagement, the ending of a job, moving to another place or retiring.
Realise that the stages of grieving can accompany any ending.
People readily associate grief with death. Perhaps you are familiar with Dr Elizabeth Kübler-Ross' stages of grief: Those dealing with a death want to deny the fact; they feel depressed or angry; they may try to bargain their way out. Eventually, they come to a peaceful acceptance (Kübler-Ross, 1969). However, people grieve over other kinds of endings, too.
Accept that endings happen.
That's a hard fact to grasp, and so the feelings may be wrenching. The security offered by a warm, supportive relationship – friendship, marriage, career – is what everyone is looking for in life. No one willingly wants to give that up.
Sometimes, as in a counselling relationship, you have some control. Other endings are out of your control, such as in a divorce or death.
Consider your choices.
You do have choices. That might not always be obvious when the ending is all you can think about. After a divorce, for example, you might try and fight your former spouse's decision, you might run away – but none of this can change the situation. Eventually, you will be able to accept the ending and go on with your life and career. Your emotional survival depends on searching out realistic choices.
Befriend your feelings.
Feelings are personal. No one can tell you how you should feel – not your mother, not your best friend. Only you know the implications of what is happening. No one else can describe what that is like – and sometimes you may have trouble doing it yourself!
One of the best ways to begin to deal with your feelings is to verbalise them to yourself – whether you feel angry, overwhelmingly sad or mystifyingly helpless. A journal may help. Writing is a way of looking at feelings objectively. They may seem more manageable when put on paper. Change encourages looking at life and love from different angles.
Take time to be alone.
When an ending comes, the main message is this: 'I'm all alone. How can I start over when this was so good or lasted so long? What do I do with the rest of my life now?'
Some people find comfort in embracing the aloneness; they find it both painful and healing. For others, solitude allows time for a contemplative silence. Many find solace in pursuing their spiritual or philosophical beliefs. Whatever direction you choose, a contemplation for new meaning can give you the strength to continue on with your life.
Find a good listener.
Your other relationships may help at a time of ending, but there is a risk involved. Endings sometimes make even close friends uncomfortable. No one knows what to say. Some people may try to hurry you along in the process of grieving. After all, no one likes being around someone who's sad or hurt. Grief, however, has its own time schedule. Others may try to tidy up your life. The feelings that accompany endings are messy. Naturally, you would rather not feel them. Unfortunately, you may have little choice. Others may try to avoid the topic altogether and, in the process, stop being themselves.
However, if you can find someone who will really listen to you, it may help you to move through the grief process at your own pace. If not, consider looking into a support group in your area.
Take heart.
Endings happen. As you face your personal struggle, know that many others have been down that road. The pain, depression and anger associated with some endings lessen over time, though they may remain in memory. In the midst of endings, try to look for beginnings.
Reference
Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. New York: Touchstone.
Reference:
Workplace Options (Revised 2018). When a relationship ends. London: Author.