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While compulsive gamblers need the support of their family and friends to stop gambling, it's common for loved ones to have conflicting emotions. You may have tried to cover up for the gambler or spent a lot of time trying to keep him or her from gambling. At the same time, you might be furious at your loved one for gambling again and tired of trying to keep up the charade. The gambler may also have borrowed (or even stolen) money from you with no way to pay it back, sold family possessions or run up huge debts on joint credit cards. As hard as it is seeing the effects your loved one's problem, you cannot make someone stop gambling. The decision to quit has to be theirs.
Four Tips for Family Members
- Start by helping yourself. You have a right to protect yourself emotionally and financially. Don't blame yourself for the gambler's problems or let his or her addiction dominate your life. Ignoring your own needs can be a recipe for burnout.
- Don't go it alone. It can feel so overwhelming coping with a loved one's gambling addiction that it may seem easier to rationalise their requests "this one last time," or you might feel ashamed, feeling like you are the only one who has problems like this. Reaching out for support will make you realise that many families have struggled with this problem.
- Set boundaries in managing money. To ensure the gambler stays accountable and to prevent relapse, consider taking over the family finances. However, this does not mean you are responsible for micromanaging the problem gambler's impulses to gamble. Your first responsibilities are to ensure that your own finances and credit are not at risk.
- Consider how you will handle requests for money. Problem gamblers often become very good at asking for money, either directly or indirectly. They may use pleading, manipulation or even threats to get it. It takes practice to ensure you are not enabling your loved one's gambling addiction.
Dos and Don'ts for Partners of Problem Gamblers
Do...
- Seek the support of others with similar problems; attend a self-help group for families such as Gam-Anon (https://www.gam-anon.org).
- Explain problem gambling to the children.
- Recognise your partner's good qualities.
- Remain calm when speaking to your partner about his or her gambling and its consequences.
- Let your partner know that you are seeking help for your own sake because of the way gambling affects you and the children.
- Understand the need for treatment of problem gambling despite the time it may involve.
- Take control of family finances; review bank and credit card statements.
Don't...
- Preach, lecture or allow yourself to lose control of your anger.
- Make threats or issue ultimatums unless you intend to carry them out.
- Exclude the gambler from family life and activities.
- Expect immediate recovery, or that all problems will be resolved when the gambling stops.
- Bail out the gambler.
- Cover up or deny the existence of the problem to yourself, the family or others.
Preventing Suicide in Problem Gamblers
When faced with the consequences of their actions, a gambler can suffer a crushing drop in self-esteem. This is one reason why there is a high rate of suicide among problem gamblers.
When gamblers feel hopeless, the risk of suicide is high. It's very important to take any thoughts or talk of suicide seriously. Visit Befrienders Worldwide for a suicide helpline in your country (www.befrienders.org).
Reference:
Segal, J., Smith, M. & Robinson, L. (Updated 2017, April). Helping a family member with a gambling problem. In Gambling addiction and problem gambling: How to stop gambling and regain control of your life. Retrieved 23 May 2017 from HelpGuide: https://www.helpguide.org