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My friend puts me down then says she was 'just kidding'. I'm hurt by her comments; what can I say?
Your friend is using a passive-aggressive communication style. She has free reign to say what she wants (aggressive), and if challenged, she backs down and says she was only kidding (passive). She may even accuse you of being too sensitive or taking yourself too seriously. The result can make you question your own feelings while she slowly chips away at your self-esteem.
No one else has the right to tell you how you feel. If you interpret her comments as being more hurtful than funny, let her know. Not saying anything is choosing a passive response. Instead, speak to her in person, assertively and respectfully, just as you are asking to be treated. You might say this: 'I value our friendship and how we treat one another. That's why I want to let you know that I find some of your comments hurtful, even though you call them jokes. I'm asking that you not put me down any more. I know that if you care about me, you'll respect how I feel.'
If she responds by minimising your feelings or ignoring your request, it's time reconsider the value of her friendship.
Reference:
Fee, S. (Reviewed 2018 [Ed.]). Difficult conversations: Addressing put downs disguised as humor (B. Schuette, Ed.). Communication Tip Sheet, February 2006 edn.