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Find what works for you.
You might not be as comfortable with some sexual positions as you once were, but that doesn't mean you need to give up an activity that is pleasurable for you — and miss out on feeling close to your partner. Keep in mind that it's not all about intercourse or recreating the way things were when you were younger. The key to a great sex life is finding out what works for you now. Sex as you age may call for some creativity. Use the following ideas as inspiration, but don't be afraid to come up with your own:
- Experiment. Try sexual positions that you both find comfortable and pleasurable, taking changes into account. For men, if erectile dysfunction is an issue, try sex with the woman on top, as hardness is less important. For women, using lubrication can help.
- Expand what sex means. Holding each other, gentle touching, kissing and sensual massage are all ways to share passionate feelings. Try oral sex or masturbation as fulfilling substitutes to intercourse.
- Change your routine. Simple, creative changes can improve your sex life. Change the time of day when you have sex to a time when you have more energy. For example, try being intimate in the morning rather than at the end of a long day.
- Engage in foreplay. Because it might take longer for you or your partner to become aroused, take more time to set the stage for romance, such as a romantic dinner or an evening of dancing. Try connecting first by extensive touching or kissing.
- Playfulness is valuable. Being playful with your partner is important for a good sex life at any age, but it can be especially helpful as you age. Tease or tickle your partner — whatever it takes to have fun. With the issues you may be facing physically or emotionally, play may be the ticket to help you both relax.
Restarting a Stalled Sex Drive
Some older adults give up having a sex life due to emotional or medical challenges, but the vast majority of these issues do not have to be permanent. You can restart a stalled sex drive — and get your sex life back in motion. Remember that maintaining a sex life into your senior years is a matter of good health. Try thinking of sex as something that can keep you in shape, both physically and mentally.
Understanding Roadblocks
The path to satisfying sex as you age is not always smooth. Understanding the problems can be an effective first step to finding solutions:
- Emotional Obstacles: Stress, anxiety and depression can affect your interest in sex and your ability to become aroused. Psychological changes may even interfere with your ability to connect emotionally with your partner.
- Body Image: As you notice more wrinkles or grey hair, or become aware of love handles or cellulite, you may feel less attractive to your partner. These feelings can make senior sex less appealing, and can cause you to become less interested in sex.
- Low Self-esteem: Changes at work, retirement or other major life changes may leave you feeling temporarily uncertain about your sense of purpose. This can undermine your self-esteem and make you feel less attractive to others.
- Worry Over "Performance": Worrying about how you will perform or whether you are worthy of sexual attention from your partner can lead to impotence in men and lack of arousal or orgasm in women. This may be a problem you have never before had to face.
Jumpstarting Your Sex Drive
Sex drives can be naturally stalled as you face the realities of ageing, but it is possible to overcome these bumps in the road:
- Communicate. Talk to your partner, or to a friend or counsellor, about your issues, whether they're physical or emotional. Explain the anxieties you are feeling, ask for and accept reassurance, and continue the conversation as things come up.
- Just "do it." Sex is just as healthy and necessary as exercise. Just like exercise, it may surprise you with pleasure and satisfaction — even if you weren't "in the mood" — so get back into practice! Once you're back in the habit, you'll start to feel better and your sex drive should naturally increase.
- Increase your activity level. Bumping up your general level of activity will benefit your sex drive by increasing your energy and sense of well-being.
- Let it go. As much as you can, use your age and experience to be wise and candid with yourself. Let go of your feelings of inadequacy, and let yourself enjoy sex as you age.
Know when to seek help.
No matter what your age, losing your desire for intimacy and touch altogether isn't normal. In fact, loss of interest or function may be signs of a medical problem — one that may be best addressed by a doctor. If something is getting in the way of your desire or ability to have a good sex life, don't let embarrassment keep you from asking your doctor for help. Working with a professional, there is much you can do to improve your sex life.
Keep in mind that anything that affects your general health and well-being can also affect your sexual function. Sexual health can be affected by the following:
- Medical Conditions: Illnesses that involve the cardiovascular system, high blood pressure, diabetes, hormonal problems, depression or anxiety can affect sex drive and function. You can talk to your doctor about strategies to combat these issues.
- Medications: Certain medications can inhibit your sexual response, including your desire for sex, your ability to become aroused and your orgasmic function. You can talk to your doctor about switching to a different medication with fewer sexual side effects.
Sex After a Heart Attack
Many older adults with heart disease — or who've suffered a past heart attack — are less sexually active than they used to be or even stop having sex completely, often fearing that sex may trigger another heart attack. However, for most people, it is still possible to enjoy an active sex life with heart disease.
According to a recent study, for every 10,000 people who have sex once a week, only two or three will experience another heart attack, and their risk of dying during sex is extremely low (Dahabreh & Paulus, 2011):
- Check with your doctor before resuming sexual activity.
- Participate in a cardiac-rehabilitation programme to improve your fitness.
- If you can exercise hard enough to work up a light sweat without triggering symptoms, you should be safe to have sex.
- Wait to have sex if you have advanced heart failure, severe valve disease, uncontrolled arrhythmia, unstable angina, unstable or severe heart disease.
- Once your condition is under control, ask your doctor when it's safe to resume sexual activity.
Reference
Dahabreh, I.J. & Paulus, J.K. (2011, 23 March). Association of episodic physical and sexual activity with triggering of acute cardiac events: Systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA), 305(12), 1225–1233. doi: 10.1001/jama.2011.336
Reference:
Block, J., Smith, M. & Segal, J. (Updated 2017, April). Better sex as you age: Tips for enjoying a healthy sex life as you get older. Retrieved 1 June 2017 from https://www.helpguide.org